Wednesday 13th August 2003
It's Left Handers day, but annoyingly I don't think I'll have time to dwell on one of my favourite topics for ranting/rambling/musing, so for the moment I'll leave it to the Guardian to mark the occasion with this and this.
Tuesday 5th August 2003
Number 2 in my very occasional and egotistical series.
This gentleman benefited from the help of a Michigan based Christian mission back in early years of the 20th Century and I assume, as his part of the bargain, found God. He testified that whiskey had taken his self-respect and he was unable to support his home.
Friday 1st August 2003
A while back I whinged about the unexpected and unexplained removal of Seinfeld from the Paramount channel's schedule, a removal that left UK viewers completely bereft of the sitcom, as it still resists the lure of DVD/Video. Not long after the Paramount authorities indulged in this televisual cruelty, I was caught in a fit of resentment and confusion as I attempted to go cold turkey from my daily fix of New York Jewish comedy. The odd bagel on the way into work wasn't enough, so I wrote to Paramount demanding an explanation. All I got in return was a fobvert (the combination of a fobbing off with an advertisment) along the lines of, 'thanks for enquiring about Seinfeld which will be back some time soon, meanwhile did you know that Becker is on instead, in which a C-list actor past his prime pretends to be a cranky doctor, with hilarious consequences'. I accepted my lot and turned to Curb Your Enthusiasm instead.
Then someone called Zoe from Paramount sent me the following e-mail, which arrived yesterday:
"Have You Seen This Man? You Soon Will.
Since leaving our screens earlier this year, the absence of one Jerome Seinfeld from the Paramount Comedy schedule has brought a veritable outcry from our loyal viewers. Having been deluged with e-mails, phone calls and letters, our schedulers have decided to bring Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer back from September 1st. Yes, in just a few short weeks make sure your alarms are set for a daily wake-up call with the wise cracking New Yorker. Don't forget. Write it on a post-it note and stick it on your forehead. Better still, have it tattooed on your arm. I have - just under my tattoo of Frasier and Niles Crane.
EVERYDAY FROM SEPT 1st"
Initially I skim read this e-mail with something approaching delight. But the phrase 'make sure your alarms are set' ignited my suspicious nature and on closer examination I realised that 'Zoe', clearly a Ted Danson fan, was celebrating the fact that Seinfeld was now on at half nine, in the morning. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't own a video recorder that made me angry, or the completely fatuous advice to set my alarm for 9:30am, when I'm already out of bed and staring blankly at a PC in the office by that time. Or perhaps it was simply that this nonsense was being imparted to me by some freakish obsessive, a walking Radio Times/TV Quick (depending on her upbringing), tattooed head to foot with TV schedules - the main channels displayed on her forehead and chest, the satellite channels on her limbs, the regional variations on the back of her knees or ears with Men&Motors, UK Style and five imprinted somewhere dark and nether-like.
So, easy to spot if I ever bump into her on the street. I'll quickly check what time the Hollyoaks omnibus is on, then give her a piece of my mind.
So much for that.