Dynargh dhe'n Blogofrob

Thursday 13th October 2005

Just a quick one, but I want to get some kind of comment in before the tedious stop-it-now-it's-getting-boring wait for the Broccoli mafia to announce which actor will "don the tuxedo" (copyright all lazy showbiz hacks) ends. And according to the BBC, the announcement might be made tomorrow.

Gosh, I can barely piss straight with excitement.

But I can, although I would have been all over the place if they'd cast the new Bond within a reasonable period of time. As it is, with the tiresome speculation going on for almost a year, this just seems like an overcooked publicity exercise.

However, the end is in sight. And, yes, the toilet seat is getting sprinkled a bit. But partly with nerves as well as excitement. I'm worried about the recent rumours that suggest the filmmakers are taking the world's best film franchise, strapping it to a table and burning a laser beam right up its jaffas.

No Q? No gadgets? Bond aged 28? Oh sod off. The last time they tried this kind of reinvention the franchise spluttered to a six year halt and fed Timothy Dalton's career to the sharks. Looney Tunes: Back in Action? Oh, Tim.

The thing is, Dalton was a brilliant Bond. The Living Daylights is a great film. Back then the filmakers were trying to make Bond a bit more realistic, with a harder edge - and in general it didn't go down well. But even during that experiment, Bond was still in his forties and had a few toys to play with. So the choice to stray even further away from the successful and comforting formula is worrying. (Gold)fingers crossed.

The new man can't be any worse than Pierce Brosnan, the preening prince of punir. Straight out of the jumpers page of the Freeman's catalogue he squinted his way through two shit films, one good one and one which I can't work out whether I like or not, all the way ripping off the four previous Eon Bonds. His so called emotional side he nicked off Tim. His attempts at humour and charm he half-inched from Sir Rog. His affected swagger and style was from Connery and his complete shitness he took wholesale from Lazenby. That's a bit unfair actually. George Lazenby was quite good.

Anyway that transatlantic fucker's gone now. The favourite for the job is Daniel Craig. He's got my vote - certainly he's the best actor in the running and he looks the part as well (or he would with a bit of boot polish rubbed into his hair). I think he would be an excellent James Bond. Otherwise there's Clive Owen. I used to think he'd be good, until I saw him act. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think that when Albion is threatened and King Arthur majestically returns to defend the realm he'll speak in a Kermit the Frog-esque monotone. Also some children called Sam Worthington and Henry Cavill are in the running. And the less said about Jude Law, the better, but suffice to say, if the producers of Casino Royale want a smug balding twat in the role they'd do better to ask back Sean Connery.

One thing's for sure. You can guarantee that whoever is picked to be the Bond girl will give interviews saying, "my character's different from all other Bond girls, she's Bond's equal and more assertive". Yeah, whatever love - you'll proceed to spend two hours stuck on a ledge in your bikini screaming, "James, James, help me James", before getting nailed by 007 and caught mid-coitus by M/Q/Thatcher/The Queen/Pope Benedict XVI etc.

83 - posted at 17:02:30

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